NumB & BRokeN

11 February 2009

The journeys back to Dundee have been really painful for me since the day I broke up with the love of my life. It has been more than a year now, but this hollowness I feel just refuses vanish.

Can I ever feel whole again?

Or is this mostly to do with the guilt of destroying the heart that once truly loved me?

As if there is anything in me that’s left to ruin, life has taken away the other reason why Dundee stays special in my heart, my dearest old friends.

The familiar faces that I love very much are no longer there. Those few who are still around somehow different now than how I remember them to be. Everyone has moved on from that space in time when we were ‘young’ and carefree.The times when we valued each other’s company better than we valued life itself. To me that was what it felt like anyway.

Or is it me who has changed?

There are times these days when I can hardly recognise myself. I look into the mirror some mornings and all I can see is this broken soul. I really wish I can feel as calm and casual as how I appear to be to everyone around me just now, but it’s just so impossible!

I know I have committed a lot of sins….and I could have lived my life far better than I have lived, but which sin is it Allah that you cursed me to a burden of this magnitude?

Now that I am thinking of it, there are actually quite a few terrible things that I have done in the past….things that I cannot even bring myself to admit it.

Probably I do deserve these…

I used to love what I do. I did well at university and my job used to be enough to keep me going. But now, everyday at work feels like a battle. A battle that I know I will loose anytime.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to wake up each day feeling that I am dying a little bit more inside…..

October 04, 2008

This week marks a year since I last written my blog. I have had thoughts of updating my blog before…..in fact it was in my mind consistently to think that right, today I’m actually going to write something that’s worthy of my friends to read and of course, my time. LOL.

I have been busy. Honestly. I know it’s a dreadful excuse but atleast it is the truth.

A lot had happened in the past year, even I find it hard to believe.

But what I’m absolutely certain now is that I am missing all my mates. Those in Dundee (or used to be in Dundee), those back home……I realize now that you lads are one of the very few important things in my life that makes it worth living…..

I know…I have been terribly quiet and keeping myself ‘hidden’ far away from everybody else. I’m not sure what it was or how it started. I probably just wanted space. Just away from everything that were familiar to me. Breaking up with someone after 7 years, someone who I once believed created solely for my sanity….was a lot harder than I can ever comprehend. Even the thought of him now makes half of me feel numb…..but that’s that. I don’t plan to bore you guys with the details of my most painful history.

It’s amazing how sometimes it takes just one major event to happen, to make everything else falls apart…..

I soon realized after that particular event that I didn’t actually have very much going here for me anymore. Most of my close friends here have left. The ones that are still here seems to be moving on to their own different life direction now. Apart from my job here, nothing else seems to making my life feels like it’s worth living for. And more of my friends keep leaving!

I thought perhaps I should shelter myself away from this pain…..I didn’t think I could quite handle losing anyone else who was dear to me.

And it became like a drug.

I was taken into another world. I went around desperately searching for another reason to live. A few doses soon became a need to me. Everything started becoming blurry and I ended up in the strangest of place. A place of the other extreme.

Just like Sarah McLachlan song Angel, every single day of my life I keep waiting for my second chance. The chance to go back to where I was……to become who I used to be……….

Its one thing to loose your reason, but to not know who you are…….it’s the loneliest place to be…………

Lizzy

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There’s always some reason to feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference, escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

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Monday Oct, 22 2007

 

I should be packing up
my stuff to move to Edinburgh just now, but i cudnt resist updating
dis blog. Im hoping dis entry will make up to the many emails n msgs
that i have yet replied to.

 

Scotland is getting
really cold these past wks. It does feel like the winter is coming
close. Just last night I went thru my winter wardrobe that has been
locked away in one of my suitcases underneath my bed. I missed them!

 

I have a long list of
‘things’ that I am truly missing just now. One of them being home. The
wknd of eid/raya was particularly hard for me this year. I had to
drag my arse off to work just to get my mind of it. Yes, I’m sure dis
confession is giving e’body at home the satisfaction of me admitting
that they are right; I probably have been away from home for too
long. I actually missed my parents a lot, speaking to them during the
morning of eid here was kinda emotional for me, esp. the conversation
i hd wif my mom. It was one of the most depreasing wknd ever…. I got woken up
very early on Sat. morning with a raya song in my head n I ended up
crying. I miss e’part of being at home.

 

Is it really time to go
home?

 

This wknd on the other
hand, had put the smile back on my face. I went to inda+kai’s open
house on sat. The food was absolutely delicious, mee kari+roti
jala+all the kuih rayas. It felt like celebrating my first day of eid
(thanks guys:) N yesterday, the Melayu Dundee celebrated their
official eid. That was really fun as well. More new faces…..Ive
long started missing the old’s but hey, life goes on ,ey? E’one was
dead nice n friendly. I have always find intriguing when meeting
new ppl, but this time i just felt too old to have to start making
new friends again. What more if they r wayyyyy younger than i am!lol.
And it doesn’t feel quite the same as when u get to celebrate eid
with your closefriends…..i really missed the familiar faces that i
have gotten used to since my first few years here. This year, there
are only me, inda + kai + nizam (who is relatively new actually) dats
left, out of e’body else. I miss my brother (I know he’s having a
brilliant time over there in Cardiff). He’s not really good in
sympathizing wif me, but oh well, dats wut having a wee bro. is about
isnt? lol. N my wee sister is back in Brunei for the eid! Oh blessed,
them.

 

On Sat. night i went to
one of my X-lecturer’s home. The few of us got invited for dinner. Dr
Mike is a real nice guy, taught me during my final year and is one of
the few lecturers who we cud hang out wif, socially. He had also
lived in Malaysia for a good few years, so he can speak Malay
relatively well. Yeah, me n him get along really well i wud say. But
the downside being, I think he has this silly crush on me. I thought
it was just me until he confessed to Keith about this. I find dat
hard to believe. First of all i was still wif keith at the time and
he is MARRIED with 3 kids. His wife is so pretty n their kids are so
gorgeous n smart. Fair enough, he is in his early 30s. But still! I
decided to just ignore it since I think it was pretty harmless.  By now, I understand fine well
how sometimes u can’t control how u feel abt ppl. The only thing that
u can control is how u act upon it.

 

I just thought it was
not worth letting this temporary crush getting in the way of our
friendship. Besides, I think its cute hw he always take my side when
keith drags him into one of our childish argument. or when keith made
a harsh comment abt me as a joke.

 

And that night he
seemed like anybody else there. I know his wife was there as well but i think
it is just physically impossible for anyone to act as normal as he
did arnd e’body else. I was just so, so relief.

I thought to myself, so
it does work when u just ignore it n try to b friends with the other
person, the feeling will just go away. Especially since we don’t see each other often.  So, the
next time when i see Stuart, e’thing will get back to normal again.
The intensed atmosphere and the ‘electrifying-force’ that threatens
to pull us together whenever we were close will dissappear. That’s what normally happens when we all fell for sumone back in
school/uni right? We get over the so-called-highschool-crushes after
awhile.

 

But I was wrong. Later
that Sat night,  me n keith walked to the kitchen to get some water.
I was hugging myself n shivering a little from feeling cold at the
time when he just walked up to me n touched my arm briefly….I mean
he doesnt need to do dat does he? He can just ASK! I just stopped
from doing whatever that i was doing cz i cudnt belief he just did
what he did. And the worst part was Keith was there in the same room.
Shessshhh……

 

The min. we got in the
car , Keith said to me, " I dont think its a gd idea for u to see Dr.
Mike again unless u plan to break up his marriage". I was like, bloody
hell, I didnt do anything wrong here. I was assuring keith (and
myself) that we were just overeacting over nothing. But who were we
kidding, ey?

 

I hate dis awkwardness.
Dis is jus so unfair! I used to be in Dr. Mike’s kids shoe when my
dad fell for my nanny. I  consoled my best friend when her dad had an
affair. And now, i’m the one who’s breaking up the marriage? How can
this even be remotely possible?

 

Hmmmm……it is thru
what ppl say dat life goes arnd in a circle. Sometimes, u just happened
to stand at the receiving end.    x

Tuesday September 18, 2007

Its 67 hours since I got back from

London

and I am still feeling absolutely shattered. The traveling I did from Glenfarg –

Greece

– Glenfarg –

London

– Glenfarg in the period of 10 days have proven a wee bit too much for me. And my bank balance is back to –ve now! Lol.

But it was all worth it. I had the time of my life in

Greece

. I spend 5 full days in Xanthi and

Thasos

visiting a closefriend of mine there. The sun.. the beautiful beach, it was amazing. But the best part of my holiday must be getting the life experience of being a greek. Over in

Greece

, their day start really early since they have to be at work for 8 am. Majority of them finish working by 2 at

noon

, where they get home to have lunch and have a wee nap after. They get up sometime in the evening, where they go out to have coffee or a few drinks and hang out with their mates until late. I got sucked into this daily routine so easily!

Despina’s parents took us out for lunch most of the days and the food was just brilliant! The Greeks have a big appetite when it comes to food. Our table is usually full with different exotic greek dishes and I was assured that this is a norm for them. Parallel with the quantity, these dishes are healthy in ingredients too Another thing I find amusing was the fact that they do not have any American/Chinese/Indian fast food chains, restaurants (even Starbucks or McDonald!) They have their own fast food chain (which serves amazing kebabs) and outdoor cafes/bars. The people were friendly, though feisty on the roads….(yeah, the traffic there was a bloody nightmare!)

My friends often ask me, why do I like to spend so long in one place for my holidays. This is the reason why. To me, holidays is not just about visiting a new place, checking out significant landmarks and/or meeting new people but most important is to experience the culture and lifestyle of the people there. Most holidays which I’ve been, it was all just about being in a different country enjoying the new scenery and environment. Fair enough, I had a good time. But the memories fade away ever so quickly…and in away, less in meaning.

But to live and breathe as a person from a different culture is an experience one will never get over. Priceless!

It was actually good just to see Despina againJ Ive known her for like 5 years and lived with her for a wee while back in Glasgow. See when you know someone for that long, you stop judging each other and loved the other person as the way they are. A friendship brought to a higher level.

And the holiday helped me get over you-know-who which is an absolute bonus. It feels so, so good to be free again. Sometimes being in love (with the wrong person) is like being locked in a glass prison. You can see the world and the world can see you, but there is a barrier that separates you from the rest of the world. The worst part being, you’ve got all your senses tied to your heart that is hurting…I hope I won’t have to go through that again!

Well, I’ve got over that phase thankGod!(for now).

The Tall Buildings Conference which brought me to London for the the next days was interesting, most people there were way beyond me, Directors, Senior Engineers. Those ppl who have many years of experience in designing skyscrapers. These are the people behind Burj Dubai, The Petronas Twin Tower, Swiss Re, The Shard of Glass, you name it! They are all there. I met the Senior Engineer from my old work, which is how I realized I have got over……. It was a pleasant surprise to meet Graeme, I do miss him. He was a brilliant teacher and I was really flattered when he was happy to see me too. And he got found that the work that I am doing very intriguing, to my amazement, he is looking to change to another job soon…………at least now I know I made the right decision when I decided to change to my current job.

When I look back…..I think my life is fairly similar to of the ugly duckling’s. I used to be ugly…..and my life was of lower than an average malay. People didn’t just overlooked me, but some did treat me like I am a piece of shite! I might sound like I am exaggerating, but this is what I remember. When you are treated so badly, it kinda stick to your mind, don’t u think? But I have passed that phase now, I have a lot more than I can ever wish for. I may be far from perfect, but I am really proud of what I have achieved and become. If those arseholes are still not impressed with me, I don’t think I can careless. I know I am a lot better than they are or they can ever be.

x

Sunday, 24 June 2007

So much in my head that needed expressed just now but I’m not sure exactly where I should start with…. I know I’ve got many, many emails due to most of u, again I have to apologize for it. For now and the coming few wks, this blog will have to make do. Sorry. Yes, I have underestimated this ‘new’ phase that I am in. I thought by now I would have settle in and get back to my most of my old social routine. Catch up with the friendships I have long put on hold. But I was wrong. This new phase is a struggle. And I so, so miss u lot…..my mates in Dundee/Glasgow/Malaysia/Melbourne. EVERYONE!!! And e’where I go, the place stinks of guilt! Guilt of not spending/keeping in touch with u lot!!! Especially those of u whohave helped me so much through these years!! I promise I will try harder!! I just need more time to settle in my new life… Hmmmm………………….. I’ve got used to the travelling and driving, which takes me about an hour and 15mins of my life e’day. I’m sure many of u’s are doing worst. I realized now, how handy it is to stay right in the city centre, 5mins walk away frm the office like I did last time. When e’thing and e’one was so close to me….. However tough it gets, I know the new job is a step up for me. How many graduates who I know is involve in billion ££s project like I am just now? Non. Exactly my point. And the most priceless experience I find in my new job is the opportunity to communicate directly with the architects, the services/electrical guys, the representative of the multi-billionaire clients, who are in the same building as I am. I wish I can say that this enable time saving in solving most of the problems we encountered, but in reality, it is not as simple. But it helps me understand the many aspects of the problems which I never could if I am not where I am just nw. Have I mentioned before I work directly with my department’s Managing Director? He’s under tremendous pressure just now, and he is making me awfully stressed as well! Working with him is intimidating enough, but with the ‘Twisting Tower’ construction due in July, e’day for the past few wks I finished work late. A lot of alterations and problems needed solving and I swear to God, there were so many sleepless nights last wk, where I just lay awake thinking’ “Shite, my helical stair is NOT GONNA STANDDD!!!” I have learned a lot, but I am bloody exhausted! I was under so much stressed last week; I nearly gave up my job. I thought I’m NOT fit to be a structural engineer. I even started this new plan in my head of being a full-time housewife and give up on my career completely! Imagine that!! Me being a housewife?? That’s never gonna happen, is it? LOL. Most people at the new office are nice to me. There is a good mixture of people from around the world here, which I find intriguing. I’ve a new circle of work-mates; all girls. 2 from South Africa; Jen and Renee, Laura is from Ireland and Andrea from the US. They are all cool. The fact that we are all quite a distance away from home, gives us one common background. My first night out with them, 2 Friday nights ago, I ended up in a state. By the end of the night, I lost my mobile and I don’t even remember how I got home. I know…that is NEVER gonna happen again. As if things weren’t difficult enough, Stuart finally wrote to me last wk, TWICE. Yes, it was a pleasant surprise at 1st, but after his second email, which I have not yet reply to, I found myself back to square one. I thought I have got over him, somehow. But after his 2nd email, I started thinking about him all the time, again! Shessshhhh…..Now, I understand y perhaps, it is not best for us to even be friends, at least not for now…… Y haven’t I run to him straight away after he wrote to me? Because…..he is BAD for me and I know this is just temporary. And the most annoying part is I don’t know how temporary is temporary. Sighh….. But this made me realized once again that I am meant to go home next yr. It is a blessing in disguise, really. I don’t want to be with yet another non-msian guy, but after getting my heart broken by the ‘ars*hole’ end of last yr, I don’t think I can bring myself to be with another m’sian guy. True, I enjoy their company as mates; I am even am loving one, as my own brother! But to be lovers, even the thought made me felt ill. No offence guys. This is just the way I feel and I can’t lie about it. Probably I am not meant to be with one. After all I have met ‘the true love’ but as usual, my stubborn self, refuse to believe in it. And this stubborn self is in serious denial and crucially destructive just nw….. I will get through this……

Wednesday, May 23, 2006

My life has slowly starting to settle down now. Finished work 6.10pm today, staying late at work is a routine for me. There’s so much work to do n so little time!Which is gd really, i rather b bz at work than not having anything to do. It makes time passes so quickly n being at the office more bearable….

The ppl at my new office are really nice. I suspect dat some, are even nicer than my collegues at my old’s. But I still miss them! I guess there are certain ppl in our life who, we will never get over but we just move on. I sit right opposite the director which is a wee bit intimidating….but he is really nice to me so far.  I got so stressed at work earlier today….especially yesterday! i tot i was jus gonna break! it made me miss stuart  even more! Cs there wasnt anyone who wud try to make me laugh whenever i get stressed at work! its hard enuf not getting to c him e’day now, wutmore when things started to get  tense!

its such a drastic change for us, frm seeing each other e’day to not getting to meet or talk at all…mmm, its a struggle for me. He is ignoring me, i guess he had decided dat it is easier for him dis way…but its killing me!

Last week was a nightmare. I miss him, he ignores me. He flew off  to Dubai, I’m left here heartbroken. Boys ey?

I remember exactly how he tried to persuade me to stay since after he found out that im leaving…hw he begged to see me again the last night he spoke to me in his black X-type jaguar…..arghhhh!!! y? dis is so unfair, he refuse to even be my friend! I wonder to myself sumtime hw i managed to resist him until my very last wk at wrk.  He who has striking blue eyes, ash blonde hair, perfect complexion. Plays hockey for a club, works out 5 times a wk. Who looks bloody gorgeous in his suits…he sits opposite me at work for the last 8 months. N only in my last wk at work I buckled.  His talent n efforts of making me laugh unfailingly e’day..the glint of appreciation in his eyes e’time he looked at me as i walked to my desk n of course the combination of his physics and intelligence…mmm…he’s jus perfect.

But I’m fine nw. Who i am kidding ey? i havent got over him, I never will. But like i said, im moving on.

Things look alot better dis wk. N im moving into my wee cottage dis wknd, hopefully. Life secluded in the country….working hard at the office….i’ll b okay.

Im also working on the most interesting project i can think of; The Gazprom Twisting Tower in St Peterburgh, Russia. I’m learning alot of new things jus nw, so im content wif my job scope. Although the 3 hrs of travelling to work almost kill me, im getting used to it by nw. Im also enjoying driving my new navy blue, honda civic 1.7ctdi:) its my new babyyyy…

The wknd was brilliant! The wee bro. organised a surprised party for me on sunday.  It was truly a surprised, cs i didnt think he wud be bothered to do dat! u knw hw wee bro r usually like!!! But he’s sweet, thoughtful n e’thing. Havent spend much time wif him for the past few wks, i hope he understands.  I refused to get close to any of my mates until i sort myself out!!! inda n kai came frm glasgow for the party, dat was another surprised!

N im putting so much weight on….its easy enuff to shred the weight off when i want to anyway. Im not too bother abt dat!!!

okiedock…better get ironing my work shirt!!!!xxxliz

p.s NoTHING HAPPENED in the black X-type JAGUARRRR!!!!:p

‘I’m a wee bit lost in my chaos just nw…’

I think dats like the most common phrase that i have been using since the past few wks whenever sumone asked me abt hw i’m doing.

So many changes are taking place at dis point in my life jus nw, I am still struggling to cope wif e’thing. And I thank you for the few of u who are there for me at dis moment of time when i really need my close ones arnd me. I have broke down in tears so many times thinking i simply jus couldnt go on anymore……I am so much weaker than i tot!

Let see:

• i quit my job in glasgow n started a new one in edinburgh dis wk
• i am homeless and am travelling to work frm dundee e’day to work n bck for about 3hrs.
• picking up my new car after work today (yayyy!!)

All dis made worsened by the fact dat i fell for sumone. I think its only for temporary. I am hoping I am only feeling the way I do bcs of dis difficult phase that I am in jus nw. We shall see.

My x-workmates organised a leaving do for me 2 fri. nites ago which was nice. Along with the card n presie. My b.day didnt feel like a bday at all since I was having a hard time coping wif e’thing last wk. But i managed, sumhow. The new work is interesting though the office is pretty boring. But i wont be able to afford the car wif my old pay. So its all gd i guess.

At dat point i knw i had a different opinion, but i’m glad nw dat nuthing happened betwn me n the ‘temporary-luv-interest’. It was bloody tempting though. I went thru proper pain n suffering even thinking abt him, esp. since it was my fault that i left it too late. But he’s not worth it. i knw dat for sure nw. I am staying wif keith w.out any regrets. He has been wif me thru thck n thin for 4 yrs.

Finding a guy is easy these days, but meeting the one who offers friendship aside frm being a lover is almost impossible. Most guys turns into an arsehole the min. he becomes ur lurver. So i am holding onto the one n only who i haf found:)

xxxLiz

Wednesday May, 2 2007

Once upon a time there was this pretty girl….who thought she had her life figured. And typical, it was always when she had her guards up, the attacks came from everywhere. Until finally, she had been found; ‘they’ managed to provoke the release of her former-evil self.

Even the hardest shield in this world couldn’t protect her from ‘her’.

Indeed it has been too long since she last faced this struggle….too long since she had been keeping her evil-self on the leash. Memories of many, many hearts being broken, trust shattered and love betrayed came to mind. No way in hell she would let this happen again! Not after e’thing she had worked so hard for!

L.U.S.T. is the magic word. The key to this forbidden risen. Drown herself wif alcohol, it did worked, though temporarily, it still kept this lethal ‘fire’ at bay. ‘Ignore….’ She tried to convince herself. But she was so bloody close to loosing her battle, and she knew it.

Maybe she should just give in to this temptation….take her share in the infinity of satisfaction n walk away…..again, through the dark path of loneliness. This need…..was just so bloody great that it was e’thing in her mind. This growing need….choked her brain from thinking about anything else. Sometimes she can almost taste it……the bitter-sweet glory that came after her lust satisfied. One, single, physical act….is all it take. For more than quarter a century she managed to refrain herself, n now in a battle which only lasted for 8 bloody months, she was considering about giving up on her believes??

But everyday, this struggle had made her weaker inside. And weak, was something she never wants to be, EVER.

She felt the need to scream her lungs out…..arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

-to be continued-

Wednesday, April 25 2007

Location: 6.05pm Starbucks Coffee, Borders

I have bn waiting for this very moment since the start of last week! Finally, just me, my full-fat mocha+whipped cream & my writting. Working 830-5pm 5 days a week, unwinding in the gym alternate nights n on the wknds ’socialising’ in Dundee, right nw I value time for myself more than anything else.

I re-read my previous blog b4 I started writting dis one, n bloody hell i sound down-right depreased! I wonder myself hw I am still here..probably I am much stronger than I tot! Am I really?

When things started to ease up a wee bit, coupled wif the sweet memories frm last wknd, just as I am beginning to think dat e’thing has finally fall into place for me, today came as a huge a blow. Again I fell…..weak n powerless against time. In dis battle though never anymore lonely, the burdens still refused to lessen. On bended knees I surrender to the pain that I tried so hard to ignore. N my faith crumbles, all over the place. Perhaps its a sign. A sign to accept defeat in dis battle which i might never win……

Today at work, i tot i was jus going to break. The office now felt like a foreign place to me. I cudnt find the line dat separates friends n strangers. I tot i am about to make yet another huge mistake in my life, little that i know, i have already made dat mistake….

I am jus so bloody tired of going thru all dis misery…

Anyways…lets change the subject, i had enough of being all melancholy n depreased today.

Hmmm…let c, I am really surprised dat I have already bn asked abt my plans for my b.day. There r stil another 2 more wks to think abt dat! hahaha…But i hafta admit dat its a pleasant surprise indeed. Normally i get really depreased nearer and on my b.day (yeah, jus like NOW!). Its hard to erased dis sad childhood memories i haf in my head abt how my ‘luved-ones’ normally dont remember my BIG day. I guess dats y I do such a gd job in organising my mate’s b.day (atleast i think so!hahaha), bcs I like to see them happy. N dat in return gifs me the taste of happiness:) Until dis yr, I tot its never possible for me to b truly happy, n to b able to make sumone else happy, means so much to me:)

I think Ive already got the best gif I can ask for dis yr; to luv n 2 be luved…….

xXxLiz